Who Knew
by Spazlady
Summary: Buffy and Spike finally talk.


**Who Knew**

AN: For now this is going to be the end of the Beerverse.

It was one of those nights. The weather was pretty balmy. Christmas was right around the corner. The residents of Sunnydale might not know what went on in their town after dark, but that didn't seem to stop them from putting up lights, trees and all that holiday cheer.

Spike walked along the streets with Rip Torn prancing a few feet ahead of him. Xander had all but shoved his lover out the door as soon as the sun had set, and told him in a firm tone not to come back till at least midnight. The vampire knew his lover wanted him gone so that Xander could wrap the presents without Spike looking over his shoulder.

He could have gone to Willy's or any of the other Demon bars in town, but for some strange reason Spike chose instead to do some patrolling. He'd left L.A a month ago in what Xander still called a pissed-off huff, but then that's what happens when Angel kept pulling some crazy shit.

Spike understood that Angel did have a problem with all the new vampires running around L.A. But after a month had passed and Spike was still there, he was starting to get pissed with his Sire. Not that Angel was interfering or anything, just too afraid to have his own humans help out. Too afraid they would get hurt or something, one reason why Xander had stayed behind.

Not that Spike didn't think his mate couldn't hold his own, it was just that with the claiming so new, Angel was a bit more paranoid about Xander's safety. Spike couldn't find fault with that, seeing as he wanted his consort safe and whole. So, after being away from his lover for too long, Spike just up and left, returning to Sunnydale.

To find Xander happy, and oddly stress free, which when Spike thought about it, was not how he left his mate. The vampire would never admit that when Xander had told him about rescuing a stray, Spike feared that it was some kind of tiny monstrosity. He had been surprised to find a beautiful white boxer demon mix, utterly at home and very protective of Xander.

Spike had no intention of telling Xander the reason Rip Torn always seemed to understand not just Xander, but the rest of the Scoobies as well was Rip Torn's hyper awareness of the Slayer. ~_Don't think it would go over to well if Xan knew his dog was part Hellhound_~

With a shake of his head to clear his thoughts Spike turned into a cemetery just as he lit a cigarette. ~_Thinking about Slayers_~ Spike thought, remembering the long conversation he had with Xander about how Buffy had told Xander what was going on in her head and apologized to him for treating him like a second rate citizen.

Xander did tell Spike that the Slayer was gonna talk to him as well, but the vampire was dreading that conversation. He and the Slayer had too much shit to hash out for Spike's piece of mind.

Strolling through the cemetery, most of Spike's attention was directed inward, but he still kept a partial eye on the things around him. ~_Not that it matters, Rip is just as blood thirsty as any demon_~ Flicking the cigarette out, he tossed it aside amongst the bushes, and watched as Rip attacked and tore into a vampire that looked to have just crawled out of his grave.

"Bloody fledges should know better by now," he said to himself, as the fledge dusted, and Rip shook his head as he inhaled a nose full of vamp dust. Spike grinned at his mate's dog, and continued his slow walk through the cemetery.

After what felt like hours to Spike, he decided that he was pretty much done walking the entirety of Sunnydale by cemetery, calling Rip to him, Spike turned to leave. Only to stop, as he saw Buffy standing about twenty feet away, looking nervous and scared.

Spike superstitiously wiped his not suddenly shaky hands on his jeans as he walked towards Buffy. "Slayer?"

Buffy seemed to fidget before steeling herself for something, then looked Spike in the eye. "Walk with me, Spike." She walked passed Spike and Rip Torn, not even sparing them a look back to see if they were following.

With an eyebrow raised, he tapped his thigh in command to Rip, and followed Buffy. They walked in silence for what felt like an hour, before Buffy finally started to speak.

"This is going to be hard enough to say, so could you please not interrupt me till I'm done?" she began. "We both know I was in a very bad place when Willow brought me back. I didn't want to burden my friends with what I was feeling." Buffy exhaled sharply. "I'm sorry, but I knew I could never love you, it's why I used you. I knew what I was doing to an extent was wrong, I…just couldn't stop myself."

Buffy came to a stop, and Spike was surprised to see that they were in front of his old crypt. "I hit you, Spike because I wanted you to hurt…I wanted you to feel as empty, hollow and angry inside as I did. I wanted to stop drowning inside myself and the more violent I was with you, the more everything would quiet down." Buffy looked sadly at Spike's old crypt.

"That's no excuse I know, but that's what I felt for so long, that it had become almost instinctive to hurt you, and when you started seeing Xander, I…I don't know, something inside me snapped or died." Buffy shoved her hands into her pockets to help stop them from shaking. "It was like this little voice saying 'help me' that was being drowned out by these other sounds and voices, that kept screaming in my head that you couldn't be trusted with any of my friends. That if I was with you then you couldn't hurt them. I kept telling myself, 'he's just a vampire, not like he has a soul.'"

Buffy looked at Spike then and saw that he was sitting on the ground leaning up against a tombstone and Rip Torn practically in his lap. Spike was hiding his face, but she knew what she'd said had devastated him. Buffy understood in a way what he was feeling. Even though Spike loved Xander in ways that he could never have loved her, he still in some ways loved her and her words were heart breaking. She'd shattered an illusion with her stark explanation.

Sighing sadly, Buffy moved closer to them, but not too close, as Rip Torn didn't like her. She knelt down to the ground, her hands on her knees clasping them together, and looked at Spike. "I know what I said hurts. I've talked to Dr. Mathis and Xander. They both said I had to tell you, that I had to apologize to you for how I treated you in order for us to move on from this. Otherwise, it would just fester, and force us to put Xander between us, which isn't fair to him or us."

Shuffling around, she finally sat down, knowing that she was going to have grass stains on her jeans, but not really caring. She took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. "I am sorry, Spike. I am sorry in ways I could never even begin to apologize for. I am sorry for using you as my own punching bag, sorry for belittling you and treating you like you don't feel. I'm sorry for causing you and Xander to feel that you had to hide your relationship from me. I'm sorry for treating you both the way I did, and I can promise you that I will try my damndest not to ever do that again."

What little resolve Buffy had was starting to crumble, "I'm…I'm just…so damn sorry, Spike." She whispered and brought her hands up and covered her face, as the tears started to fall, and the sobs wretched from her chest with a deep agony that only someone who had felt their world shatter around them could understand.

Spike looked up from Rip Torn's body, his face clean of any tears, but the sadness he felt was plain on his face for all to see. He hugged Rip to him briefly, then pushed him away and went over to Buffy. ~_bloody well shattering my rep here_~ he thought, and wrapped his arms around the Slayer's shaking body. "Shhh, it's going to be fine, Slay…Buffy," he corrected himself, as he gently held her in his arms, and whispered calming words in her ear.

When it looked like Buffy was not going to calm down any time soon, Spike started to talk. "I loved you, yea? Took what I could get, 'm a vampire, luv. Not much you could do that would hurt me. If Xander and I hadn't become lovers, I might have done something drastic to get you to feel for me the way I felt about you." He said softly as he rubbed Buffy's back.

"If it were just me, I could forgive you. I understand better than you would think. Demon, yeah? But it's not just me, you hurt Xander and I can't ever forgive that, Buffy."

Buffy pulled away from Spike, wiping her face as she did so. Getting up and stepping away from the vampire, she finally looked at Spike. A fierce glare on her face, gave her some added strength. "Oh, I know better than you think how protective you are of those you love," she snapped.

Spike calmly stood, dusting the dirt off his jeans. Not bothering to look at Buffy, he held out his hand and Rip Torn pushed his large head under it. After a quick silent talk with Rip, Spike finally looked at the Slayer.

"Both Xander and I will be here to help, but if you ever hurt Xander like that again Slayer, I will over-look how much my mate loves you, and kill you." And with that said, Spike turned around and left Buffy standing there alone.

Spike and Rip Torn stood outside the Duplex. Sighing, Spike lit a cigarette as he kept his eyes on the only lit window of the building.

"'s early, think he's done?"

Rip Torn tilted his head as he too looked up at the window, then sneezed.

"'s what I thought, too." Spike mumbled around the cigarette, then inhaled deeply and smoked the cigarette down to the filter in one puff. Flicking the butt away as he exhaled. "Well, no hope for it," he said and went into the building.

Opening the door to their home, Spike found Xander in the center of a wrapping paper explosion that looked to have thrown up around their apartment. Xander's head shot up at the sound of the door, and smiled happily at seeing his lover standing in the doorway with Rip Torn looking around Spike's legs.

"Spike, you're back," Xander stated.

Spike raised an eyebrow at Xander's statement. "Told me to leave, luv?"

Xander blushed. "I know, I did. I didn't really think you would actually stay away so long."

Shaking his head, Spike walked over to his lover, boots crushing paper as he waded through the mess. Pushing wrapped boxes and one partially wrapped box out of his way, he knelt down in front of Xander. Calmly as you please, Spike brought his hands up and framed his mate's face, and then brought their lips together in a soft kiss that soon changed into a hot passion filled kiss.

Rip Torn sneezed at his two masters, pushed the door closed, and disappeared into the kitchen to finish his dinner.

Owari…Finally done…..maybe…


End file.
